Every now and then this thought comes

I follow several caringbride sites (similar to a blog) of kids that I know at St. Jude. This past week when I caught up on all the sites, I realized some startling facts when I saw them as a group: 3 of the kids have passed away, 2 relapsed, 2 are experiencing major issues on top of treating the cancer, 1 of these 2kids is two years post transplant is still having graph vs host issues, and 3 are well and back to a normal life.

Out of these ten children that I follow, three are well and enjoying being in the full swing of things again. I was in transplant with 8 of these kids, and 3 are doing well while 3 passed away, 1 relapsed, and 1 is having issues with graph vs host. The thought of another relapse was never in my head before. In fact, when I went to have my last bone marrow aspiration, I was excited. I was able to see the nurses in the sedation department that I hadn’t seen for months since I’m not put to sleep often. I was confident the results would come back fine, so it was a party to me.

I was sure that a transplant would do the trick. I’m not sure if I’ve previously felt invisible, naive, confident, or had faith that this transplant would end everything. Now, I’m unsure of my feelings because in the back of my head is fear of something happening. The seed has been planted in my head as I read about the different things going on with each patient. I know fear is the opposite of faith, but I can’t help waiver when I read about these patients. Granted, most of these kids had different cancers and were in transplant getting stem cells rather than a bone marrow transplant like me. This just means that it is a “whole nother ballpark”. Some of the kids had aggressive cancers like brain tumors etc. I need to take their cancer into consideration and not compare them Leukemia since each cancer is different.

In addition, I also have anxiety going back to school. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to get back into the swing of things again and receive my nursing degree! I now know more than before that I want to be a nurse and would LOVE to work at St. Jude! But, mixed with going back comes the fact that I will be back into the full swing and mixed in with everyone(+)their germs. I’ve been in my own controlled world at home for the past year. My immune system is still not where I would prefer, especially since I’m going back into clinical with sick people. Don’t worry, I will be super careful, but I’ve already been warned that I will be sick all the time being around pediatric patients. In addition, sick people walk around campus and fungus floats around. I stress if I miss a day of classes. I worry about being sick because of the chain reactions that could be involved. The made up “what if” scenarios pop in my head which does not help the concern at all! I worry since I’ll be far from my two “safety places”: home and St. Jude.

Yet, at the point(not sure if this is a good or bad thing) it isn’t quite enough (although on the boarder) of keep me home. I know the mixture of school and my health will stress me out. I just hope I’ll remain healthy and strong. Throughout the semester, I need those prayers/support that everything will remain well and healthy with me. Another support I will have is my older brother/friends who will be there to watch over, help, and support me in my stress ball mode! Thank you for the support and prayers offered thus far and the ones to come. Also, please pray for the children and their families that are still going through such hard times.